Annoying Question #2: Are You Excited?

**Trigger post below**

So I am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow today and the new question I am asked repeatedly is "Are you excited?"  This is a question that most normal pregnant women can answer quickly and without reservation.  For me and other baby loss mommies?  It's not that simple.

Excited is when you know something is going to happen and you're sure.  Excited is when it's only a matter of time until this great thing. Excited is when you can't stop talking about something even when you promise yourself you will keep it to yourself.  Excited is when it pours forth from your face and the grin spreads all the way to your toes.

So am I excited?  I'm not sure I know how to be.  My rainbow is still not here, and as I sit here typing this and my rainbow dragon kicks merrily, I'm still skeptical that I will get to bring him/her home.  I keep waiting for that "Go to Jail.  Go Direction to Jail" card.

I realized I'm more under that guise of anticipation than excitement.  For those of you who play video games, there's an easy way to describe my feelings.  It's as if I have spent a long time playing a difficult game, one where I keep thinking I'm going to make it, but the game keeps crashing, or my character keeps getting killed.  So here I am, at the final level, where I can almost taste victory, where I know that just maybe I will see those end credits roll.  But I can't give in to that excitement because I will lose and have to start all over again.  

I wish I could be excited.  But I wish I could be a lot of things.  I wish I could have enjoyed this pregnancy rather than be terrified at every turn.  Pregnancy should be a wonderful experience, full of happiness and joy and wonder.  For those of us who have gotten pregnant after our loss, it's an experience of fear, worry, and the feeling that if we become excited we will get yanked back to our senses by our ponytails.  

Some days I really feel like chopping that ponytail off.

Annoying Question #1: Is This Your First? (Part Two)

Now that I am fully and visibly showing to just about everyone, this question is asked almost daily. I covered this question and whether or not to respond "yes" or "no", but I find that lately I feel the added complication of stillbirth versus miscarriage.

No, this isn't my first. I had a stillborn son almost two years ago. But I also suffered two miscarriages. I find when I tell people "No, I had a stillborn son", I am riddled with waves of guilt regarding the two "youngest" children, the ones that only grew to 6 1/2 weeks. The ones that had a heartbeat that stopped three days later.

But the ones I wanted just as much as my stillborn son, and just as much as the one I carry now.

If I say no, I have three angels, then I feel like I minimize the loss of my stillborn son, because automatically people lump him into the "just a miscarriage" category. And while my two miscarriages were painful and hurt me to the core, they are different than when I delivered and held my son and was wheeled out of Labor and Delivery, with empty arms.

Unfortunately I don't have a solution yet. Until then, I will continue to say my first was stillborn. Perhaps I should add, "And I lost two early on afterwards." Will that make it better? Somehow I doubt it.

Until then, I guess I will do what I have been doing, just stick one foot in front of the other, and pray that I will get to bring this rainbow baby dragon home. And I will continue to open my mouth and tell people that yes, I have lost a child. I have lost three children. Perhaps it will help those silently hurting feel less alone.

Annoying Question #1: Is This Your First?

**Trigger Below**

My apologies for my absence, I was hit by the shocking news that I am once again pregnant (that seems to be what happens when I go on vacation and drink alcohol). This is time #4 for me, and no living children thus far. I am about to hit 14 weeks, trimester 2, and I should be ecstatic. But any baby loss mommy knows fear, and knows that nothing will ever be for certain. With this pregnancy, I am on Lovenox, and shooting myself in the belly every night at 10 pm. I have never been officially diagnosed with a clotting disorder, it is only suspected in the loss of one or more of my children. All I have to say is well, it seems to be working thus far.

Since I'm getting farther, and disclosed to a few people (and not many), one of the questions I'm getting is "Is this your first?" This is a tricky question to answer for a baby loss mommy.

If you say "no":

Be prepared to open yourself to the onslaught of further questioning from "well-meaning" people. It would be nice if people would just nod and move on, but no, you will get further questions such as "How many do you already have?" or "So where IS junior right now?" or "How old are they?" I have answered with "no", and typically follow it up with "and my first was stillborn". At this point, if they know what's good for them they will say "I'm sorry" and move on. Yet this often leads to other comments like "oh I miscarried a baby too". I can say from experience after having a stillborn son and two missed miscarriages that there isn't a comparison. I didn't love those miscarried babies any less, but it's just...different. Just as it is different for a SIDS mommy versus a stillborn child. What saying "no" does give you, is that feeling that you are acknowledging your lost babies, no matter how old they were inside or outside of the womb when you lost them.

If you say "yes":

Be prepared to open yourself to unwanted and unsolicited advice, and labor horror stories which no one needs to hear, much less a baby loss mommy. You may also feel a pang of guilt for not acknowledging your children. On the other hand, saying "yes" removes you from explaining your losses and history to complete strangers. My husband prefers this method because he is a private person and he doesn't believe that others need to know, and he doesn't like to relive his pain every time someone asks.

Whichever method you choose, be comfortable with your choice and be patient and kind to yourself. It is a tough road that baby loss mommies follow, and we are our own worst enemies to ourselves.

And if someone gets too nosy, no matter which option you chose? Well, there's always the tried and true method of asking them a deeply personal question back such as "So, how's your diet working out for you? Maybe you should try something different?" It at least will get them off of your back, so you can make your escape.