Stupid Comment #8: Baby Loss Only Happens To People Who Do Something Wrong

On a very popular baby and pregnancy site, I pop onto the board from time to time that has women due approximately when I am due. This board is full of baby names, ultrasound results, and questions about symptoms. It is a place where women discuss their hopes and their dreams for their unborn child. It is a place where women compare baby strollers, argue about whether or not to breast feed, and find new friends.

It is also full of women who post that their dreams have just been shattered.

Some women cannot venture into those threads because they cannot bear reliving their past, or they do not wish to think of all of the bad things that can happen. I go into them because I want to add my sympathetic voice to their sorrow.

Typically these women talk about what happened to them, and they get out their feelings. We have all been there. We have all thought "why did this happen to me"? We have all thought "what did I do wrong"? as well as countless other questions that will never be answered.

What I read the other day was the following:

"Only women who do something wrong lose their babies, so why did I lose mine?"

I have read several other posts with this sentiment, the sentiment that these women come from a family where baby loss doesn't happen, and we, the baby loss mommies, are part of families who lose babies all the time, who do horrible things and deserve to lose our children. It is an "us" versus "them" mindset, and suddenly these women are finding out that they are in the "them" category. What angered me even more is the women who were chiming in with their agreement.

I didn't do a damn thing not straight out of the books for any of my three pregnancy losses. I ate right, I slept on the right side. I exercised well, and I took my prenatals religiously. I didn't drink, I didn't have caffeine. I could go on and on. If there was a chance that it would harm my baby, I didn't do it, despite that I know that small amounts of some things are considered perfectly safe. I still lost my three children. I still buried three children. And I don't know all of my readers, but I can pretty much guarantee that all of you did the same as me.

I have a lot of sympathy for any woman who has lost a baby at any stage of pregnancy, or through SIDS, but I will not tolerate women trying to make us feel as if we deserved to lose our children. I will not tolerate women trying to make it seem like there are families who lose babies and ones who just don't deserve to.

At the end of it all, we are all the same. We are all mothers who have lost our children. We are all mothers who would do anything to have our children back. And we all know better. Baby loss happens to women like Russian roulette. Sometimes, for these women who are sitting there thinking that we have done something to deserve this pain, I sit here waiting for that axe to land on them too.

Stupid Comment #7: You Just Lost a Baby So I Thought I Should Leave You Alone

One of the things I keep hearing when my "friends" and family mysteriously disappear is that since I lost a baby, I obviously want to be left alone.

Uh, what? Why the hell would I want to be left alone?

Losing a baby in and of itself is one of the most isolating experiences a woman can have in her life. After all, it is expected that eventually you will lose your parents, your aunts and uncles, and sadly, maybe your spouse. But the idea of losing a child? No one knows what to do. It just doesn't happen. You spend so much of your day looking at every other woman who is pregnant and noticing that every one is coming back from their doctor appointments with a smile and every one of them is buying new clothes and it seems like every one of them gets to keep their baby. You spend time looking at your empty nursery, or at the pregnancy test that you kept with the double line, or at the first maternity shirt you bought and you fall to your knees and you ask "WHY?"

What I cannot understand is why, through her toughest moment, through her greatest grief, someone would want to leave this woman alone. Or is it that people are so deathly afraid of being infected by the baby loss virus? Or is it something that displays even more selfishness on the commenter, for hidden behind that comment are the words "You're driving me nuts and you're just not yourself". Or perhaps those people are just too busy to lend a helping hand. Who knows someone who is active on Facebook 100 times a day and yet cannot take a second to pick up the phone and call to check on you?

I must admit, I have not found a snappy answer to this comment yet. I am usually struck dumb by people saying this. I usually want to rail against them for not being there to support me. I usually want to tell them that despite the fact that I look like I want to crawl into my cave and curl into a ball, that I appreciate those friends and family members who have reached into that cave and extended their hand. I especially appreciate those who have kept trying, even when I threaten to bite their hand.

The more I speak to women the more I've come to realize that I think it is more common NOT to lose a baby. If that's the case, there are no excuses. We must reach out to each other and let each other know that we have lost a baby, or several. We must tell each other that we will hold each other's hands. And for those of us who have come out on the other side, we must go back to those places and let each other know that there IS another side, and it's full of rainbows.

Stupid Comment #6: If You're More Careful This Time, You Won't Lose the Baby

It sickens me that I even overheard someone saying this comment. In fact, it was said to a dear friend who miscarried along side of me this past May. The "well-meaning" person actually had the audacity to suggest that those of us who have lost a baby did so because we did something wrong, because we ate the wrong thing, because we exercised too much. Oh, and that we did it on purpose.

Let me remind everyone out there, and I will step into delicate territory for a moment, that there is a difference in the term abortion and miscarriage. Those who wish to get rid of their babies and go to a clinic are quite a bit different than someone who was already dreaming up names for their child when their dream was stolen from them. Most of the women I know were giving up caffeine, and hot showers, and alcohol, and junk food, and half a million other things because they wanted this baby to be healthy and happy.

People don't seem to realize that getting pregnant after a loss is terrifying. These women who were so careful before are now neurotic in what they will or won't do. They won't cross their legs if that's what they were doing when they lost their angel. These women are terrified, and they will do whatever it takes. I'm pretty sure if you told one to stand on their head every day for an hour, they would do it.

Sadly I'm not pregnant again yet, but I had better not hear this one said to my face. Otherwise, I'm going to parrot it back and tell them that they better worry about being careful around me.

Stupid Comment #5: The Worst Sound in the World is Children Whining

Apparently an earth shattering study has recently been done to detect the worst sounds to a human's ear. Number one on the list?

Whining.

It wasn't enough that this study was conducted, and that was the result, but several of my coworkers took up the conversation to make sure that everyone understood that it wasn't whining in general, but it was children whining. I was then privy to the age old comments of parents "I just can't stand it" and "He/she just won't shut up". (This was at the time that I was thinking, "And neither will you!")

I have an answer for the people of the world who are afraid of having to deal with this horrible noise, of having to put up with it day in and day out:

Don't have children!

In the meantime, stop subjecting me to your own whining. I would love nothing more than to listen to my children whining about having to go to bed early, or not getting their Pokemon toy at McDonald's. Poor you. To me, and to the women and men who have had to experience baby loss, it's the best sound in the world.

I'm also looking forward to the second worse sound in the world coming from my house some day: infant crying. I'm sure I'll get to hear my coworkers complaining about that one soon too.

I've decided that I'm going to make badges with a giant bright red "W" and hand them out for "Whiner". People can wear them like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Then at least I would be able to tell which ones had been through what I've been through, and which ones seem to take their children entirely too much for granted.

Stupid Comment #4: Try to Look on the Positive Side

Sometimes I hear a comment that sets me reeling for so long, I almost forget to post it here. The other day, I was privy to my coworker saying "Try to look on the positive side". For those of us baby loss mommies, we are getting pretty used to comments from "well-meaning" people trying to tell us that things will look up. This comment wasn't from one of those women. This came from a woman who lost her child to SIDS over 20 years ago, and has since then forgotten the pain and suffering that she went through. With the mouthy attitude that this coworker is seen to have, I kept getting pictures of someone saying this to her 20 years ago and wondering if she would have punched the person in the face. I know I wanted to.

So why would someone even say that? Some people argue for the power of positive thinking. It's not that I'm a non-believer, in fact I think positive thinking motivates us to do the things that we want to do. But when you feel lost in the maelstrom of your own emotions, and as Mother's Day is approaching so quickly, the last thing I want to do is engage in positive thinking. What I would like to do is go on a rampage or engage in a little vigilantism. The husband, however, periodically reminds me that if I go to jail, that won't help either of us (though I can't help but wonder if my two children would giggle a little if I had punched someone!)

All of us have positive things that have come of our tragedy, and on the days where we are not crying and aching so badly that we can remember just for a moment, all of us have become mothers, or fathers. I don't argue that all of us would have made wonderful parents before this tragedy happened, but I know when I lost my children, it made me reevaluate the little things that people do with their children, and I know I will be an even better parent because of it. I know that my marriage became closer. Most importantly, my priorities are realigned. Work is no longer a stressful experience. All of these I consider gifts that my children gave me for Mother's Day.

But back to the tirade. None of us think "Oh, you're right!" when confronted with this comment. Instead we think:

Do you mean I should be happy that my baby or babies died?

Do you mean I should be happy that I was wheeled out of the maternity ward not holding a baby?

Do you mean I should be happy for each woman who announces her pregnancy when I wish it was me?

Do you mean I should be happy for the woman whose daughter is just starting to sit up, exactly what my son would have been doing if he was alive today?

The list goes on and on. How can we possibly look at the positive side when we are hurting, and missing our child(ren)? How can we possibly look at the positive side when many of us tell ourselves every morning that we have to go to work, that we have to take care of ourselves, that we must press on?

It has nothing to do with the positive side. All of us know that we have a "new normal", and we must learn what it is and how to deal with it. No amount of happy fuzzy bunny juice is going to teach us there is a positive side to this tragedy. Some day we will learn to live with it.

Until then, just let us be, and if you can't provide any decent support, just get out of my face. Just look on the positive side, until it's legal, your face is safe from my fist.

Stupid Comment #3: It Will Happen When You Least Expect It

No one told me, but apparently the baby stork arrives much like Santa Claus. You go to bed and one day wake up and SURPRISE! you're pregnant. That must be why people keep telling me that I will get pregnant again as soon as I'm not thinking about it any more.

I'm not sure if anyone told these people, but having sex is necessary in order to get pregnant. This means that I am NOT surprised if I get pregnant.

I'm not sure if anyone told these people, but I have an empty nursery, one with a beautiful mahogany crib, one with lime green walls, and monkeys running across the window. One that should have been filled with a baby almost a year ago.

How can I not think about it?

I understand that these "well-meaning people" are trying to tell me to relax. Unless they manage to drug me up with something that makes me forget who I am, I am not going to forget. I'm not going to forget about the children I have lost, I'm not going to forget that I still want a child. After all, that is why I was pregnant in the first place.

Perhaps I should start saying this comment to people when they are trying to find a new job. "Don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it!" Nope, I'm pretty sure that they are not going to get a magical phone call one day from an employer, unless they are trying pretty hard.

Perhaps I should start saying this comment to people when they are looking for a new home. "Don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it!" Nope, I'm pretty sure that unless they are the Wicked Witch of the West, a house is not going to fall on them from out of the sky. They need to put effort into finding that dream home.

Of course there are a million things that "help" in conception: elevating the hips, different positions, exercise, weight loss, the right herbs and supplements. But a baby isn't going to come when I least expect it, unless I'm trying, and unless I'm timing things correctly.

So for those people who tell me "It will happen when you least expect it", I'd like to tell them that I'm trying very hard not to hit them right now, but not to worry. It will happen when they least expect it.

Stupid Question #1: How are you?

One of the questions that people rapid fire out of their mouths is "How are you?" Sadly, not many people actually mean this question. I'm not talking about your close friends, family, and fellow baby loss mommies who really do want to know how you are. I'm talking about the people who want you to say "Fine, thanks! How are you?" so they can respond with "I'm great, thanks!" This is the culturally appropriate response, something that Americans are all too familiar with, but it is not something that any baby loss mommy is capable of saying...at least not anymore.

I've tried some responses just to see what is the cleanest way to stop the social chatter with some fairly entertaining results. This could be because of my advanced degree in Psychology that I feel the need to experiment. It could be because I honestly want everyone to go away.

The first thing I tried was dodging the question. I would just respond with a "How are you?" The one thing I learned from this is that the people who you least expect are the ones paying attention. Most people would respond with the "Fine, thanks!", but there were those astute individuals who would ask again. These weren't the people who really wanted to know, but the ones who refused to let me not play by the rules. At this point I would respond with "My life sucks, you?"

The second thing I tried was honesty. I would respond with a "I just buried my second child" or some other comment which described how I really DID feel. This met with shock and awe, and not the shock that one should have when receiving that response, but shock that I would even deign to answer in a way that again, was outside of the general rules.

So lately I have taken to responding with "I'm surviving". It's not "I'm fine", because that's a lie, I'm definitely not fine. However, this has not netted me the result that I want. The response I get goes back to the original cultural response. People respond with "Oh? Me too!" At this point I want to say "Oh? Does that mean you just buried two children in six months too? Fantastic!" Instead, I just stomp away.

The truth is, I'm not sure if these people are having a bad day. I'm not sure if they have just lost a parent, a sibling, or even a child. I'm not sure if their boss has been screaming at them all day, or if their finger just fell off unexpectedly while driving. What I do know, is when they say "me too", it means that they really don't care about what I just said.

A better person would say "I'm sorry" or ask what happened. Unfortunately we live in a society where everyone is wrapped up in their own problems, and in a society where we think having too much work to do in our job constitutes a bad day. I know better. A bad day is when you learn that the little life you had growing inside you has been extinguished. A bad day is when you have to bury your child, no matter how old that child is.

I hope the next time I hear someone say "I'm surviving", I have the decency to ask them about it too. I hope I have the decency to show them that yes, someone does care. I also hope I have the decency not to drop kick the people who say "Oh yeah? Me too!" in the head.

Stupid Comment #2: It Will Be Okay

This comment is insidious. It is one of those comments that sounds kind and caring and comes from a well-meaning person who cares about our feelings. Until you stop to think about it. I always end up angered well after the person has left my sight, well after I could have said "how in hell do you know?" It's because these people do not understand the basic fundamentals of the life of a baby-loss mommy.

It is not going to make it "okay" when we get pregnant again. The excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test was swiped from us when we learned that such horrible things could happen.

It is not going to make it "okay" when we have our rainbow baby. We may want this baby, but we wanted that baby too, and it was cruelly stolen from us.

It is not going to suddenly be "okay" at some date 20 years down the road. We are always going to mourn the loss of our child(ren) and we are going to see our angels every day in the faces of the rainbow children we have, and of the children who are not ours who should have been the same age as our angel(s).

The truth is, things will never be "okay" ever again. We will always be missing our babies like we are missing an appendage. The only thing that would make everything "okay" is if this never happened to us. If all of us were sitting here with our babies on our lap, or if we weren't on the computer at all because we were hanging out with our child and having that conversation again about which features belong to mommy and which to daddy.

So unless you're in touch with the force(s) of the universe and you know that we are going to get our babies back through some type of time reversal, do us all a favor, and shut the hell up or we'll fit you with that muzzle.

Stupid Comment #1: Why Don't You Just Adopt?

Before I get started, let me tell you that I have no issues with adoption, either the unfortunate kids themselves, or the parents who take the time to raise someone else's child. So with that said, let the tirade begin...

One of the most common things to hear after losing a pregnancy is "Why don't you just adopt?" Apparently, losing one child (or more) suddenly makes a woman unable to carry a healthy baby to term. In fact, I am sure even women whose infants have died from SIDS are privy to hearing the same stupid comment over and over. So let us do some basic work with the English alphabet.

Most of you probably know that the English alphabet consists of 26 letters. The first letter is "A", and the last letter is "Z". One in every three women experience pregnancy loss, and for most women with a first time loss, the first step is "A", trying to conceive again naturally.

Unfortunately for many women, this does not happen, and therefore they are forced to move to option "B" or "C". When "A" does not work, the doctor does not point at them when they walk through the door and say "Yep, she's going to need to adopt!" What that doctor does is fertility testing or mild fertility drugs (and there are SO many options out there for women who are having trouble conceiving). After that, there is IUI, in vitro, etc. (perhaps letters "K" or "N" or "S". All of these are done before a woman is ruled as unable to conceive or carry a child.

So, unless it is the woman's own choice, why in HELL would you tell a woman to go straight to step "Z"?!?!

I know the answer. Obviously all of these people MUST be doctors AND psychics and they can see directly into my uterus and they just know that I will never conceive again or carry a baby to term. It must be nice being that important and special and to know this information about every woman out there. But if they're so smart, why don't they know how stupid they are?

Unfortunately even after telling one of these people that there was nothing wrong with me, this woman continued to try to convince me how wonderful adoption is. That may be true, but for many women, this is like asking her to just...give up.

So here's my solution for these people who just won't shut up. A nice muzzle.