Leash Your Dog, Not Your Child

There seems to be a terrifying trend lately of people rediscovering the joy of a leash, but not on their family dog, on their child. After all, why hold your beloved child's hand when you can leash them instead? This way you can talk on the cell phone, all why little Bobby tries to run away but to no avail.

What sickens me more, is that most come in these innocuous cute little animal backpacks, perfect for these people to stick their cell phone, lipstick, and other things into. This way, their child can carry their purse for them. These children have become pack mules at the tender age of two. Or perhaps these parents are trying to provide these toddlers with strength training.

It is when the cell phone goes off in the cute little bunny backpack, that you see the parent yank their child in, and frantically search for their ringing phone, the entire time ignoring their child.

One reason given for leashes is that toddlers can dash into the street or into a crowd at a moment's notice and therefore leashes provide a measure of safety for your child. If you refuse to be a PARENT, then you have raised your child to have no self-control and to be a terror. However, there's still an answer for this: hold your damn child's hand.

Another reason given is that parents cannot possibly watch their children at all times. It is not the women who momentarily look away that are leashing their children. It is the women whose attention is undividedly on the cell phone conversation they are having. If their attention can be 100% on a cell phone conversation, then it should be 100% on watching their child. Even on the cell phone, however, there's a solution: hold your damn child's hand.

I am not perfect, and I know that when I am fortunate enough to bring home my child from the hospital, that my attention will flicker at some point. However, there's a difference in being momentarily distracted, and in an extended period of ignoring your child. You can damned well guarantee, however, that when you do see me, I will be lovingly holding my children's hands.

Women, wake up.

You wanted a child and were blessed and fortunate enough to be able to bring one home from the hospital. Unless you are trying to introduce your children into bondage, or teach him/her that they should be treated as the family dog, hold your child's hand. Be a parent, and teach your child what safety means, and don't be afraid to teach your child that it's wrong to run into the street. Be a PARENT and watch your child. Don't rely on a leash to do it for you.

If you can't, perhaps it's not your child who needs a leash, perhaps your husband should put one on you.

For a (hopefully) satirical view on leashing your child, visit www.leashyourchildren.com.

A Stroller is NOT a Battering Ram!

Women seem to pay an exorbitant amount of money to purchase a "travel system", a contraption that will allow women to push around their baby everywhere (because, why would you want to carry your precious bundle of joy...that would be work!), detach their baby via a baby suitcase (sorry, an "infant car carrier"), and even make cookies (they do cost upwards of $300, and anything that costs that much must make cookies).

So, if I was searching for the perfect stroller, I would be searching for a stroller that would also protect this little life that I had labored so hard to make and that I loved with all of my heart. Going to Consumer Reports comes up with restraints, comfort, brakes, playtray, etc. All perfectly wonderful things to have if you're going to shell out this kind of money.

What Consumer Reports does NOT have rated is the ability of the stroller to work as a battering ram. See that little play tray above? Apparently it is quite useful as a weapon. How hard can you ram your stroller into a pole or another person without giving your baby a concussion? How hard can you run your stroller off of the curb and still keep the baby inside? How easy is it to run your stroller between a pole and a person without scraping up the side of your baby's face?

I cannot believe the amount of parents wrapped up in their own little worlds who cannot even begin to understand that even though this stroller is heavy-duty, it is not meant to be the sole protector of your child. As a parent, YOU are.

So this tirade goes out to all of the stupid people with their stupid strollers who not only get in the way, but who are endangering their children. I think any babyloss mama would say, "Give me the baby quietly and take your stroller and go away. Or I'm going to have to kick your head in."

Okay, maybe not that last part, but I'm sure it's pretty close.