Stupid Situation #11: Avoiding a Bridal/Baby Shower with Babies

It's surprising that I haven't been thrown into this situation until now, but one of my friends is getting married and she's having her Bridal Shower this afternoon. I had told myself that I would not be able to handle a Baby Shower, even for my best friend (assuming she got pregnant, which she isn't), but a Bridal Shower? This I could do.

Until I learned there would be at least two babies there.

Everyone handles their grief differently. Most of us stay well away from babies and small children because it's too painful of a reminder of what we don't have. A few of us rush to hold someone else's baby because it's a part of their healing process. Me? I don't want to be around any until I have my own in my arms. Even then, I can't say as when it will be comfortable for me to recognize that other people have had them too.

I realize I can't avoid babies. They're at the stores, my neighbors had them (three of them at once this past summer which was just a thorn in my eyeball every time I walked outside), they're being pushed around anywhere and everywhere you look. But I definitely can avoid getting in my car and deliberately driving somewhere where they will be right next to me, especially during this final week of my "loss zone". I can avoid a situation where people are going to pass around an infant and as a woman I'm supposed to coo and hold the baby.

The next baby I hold will be my own. Living and breathing. Or I won't do so at all.

And as I sat here thinking about excuses that I could make to not attend, my dinner decided not to agree with me and I've been gifted with a horrible stomach ache. I'm sending up my thanks right now.

Rainbow Pregnancy Loss Zone

**Triggers**

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks. I've been sticking my head in the ground like an ostrich, hoping that this rainbow pregnancy will speed by. I've even asked people to hit me over the head and knock me out and wake me up in a few months. Sadly, no one has taken me up on it yet.

I'm now in my loss zone, the period of time where everything went wrong with my son. To be honest, I never thought I would even make it this far again. Now that I am here, I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. It hasn't, but when will it?

It's a strange idea that everyone else seems to have no problems with the idea that there will be a rainbow baby here at the end of May/early June. People are buying things, talking about baby showers, asking me how excited I am and for names. I just stare blankly when these conversations happen, almost as if my synapses don't fire. As if I don't recognize that they're talking about me. Two weeks ago I was told to start training my coworker for my leave and I looked at her and said "Where am I going?"

Today I have my repeat ultrasound to check the growth of the baby. For me, it is hurdle one of the scariest two jump hurdle in my life. It is the ultrasound where I will see if it happened again. As I type this, my hands are shaking and I can't stop crying. I know very well that they will check my blood pressure before the appointment and it will be fairly high. I feel like I should be wearing combat gear to go to this appointment. As I drive, I will be listening to 30 Seconds to Mars "This is War". I put on a minimal amount of make-up in case there's a lot of crying to be done.

And sometimes, the worst thing is as I sit there in the waiting room with women who have never lost a baby, they will be looking at me bawling and wondering what is wrong with me. They cannot possibly understand my pain or my fear. Especially as they have brought their mother, father, sister, cousin's cousin and some guy off of the street to see their ultrasound. I, on the other hand, am just going to try to survive and hope I come out intact with baby on the other side.

To those of you who have navigated your loss zone, know that you are very strong women, capable of anything. And for those of you who haven't yet, know that you are not alone, and my love goes with you and I will be holding your hand.

Healthy First Pregnancy Does Not Equal Immunity to Loss

As I get farther into my rainbow pregnancy, I see a lot of shocked and indignant women when they learn that there is something very wrong with their baby or that their baby has died. "But my first was perfectly fine!" These are the same women who usually follow it up with a comment that we've touched on before - "Pregnancy loss doesn't happen to people like me" or "People don't lose babies in my family".

Why is it that these are the same women who can also quote the age-old saying of "Every pregnancy is different"? If every pregnancy is different, that means that the wheel of fortune starts spinning each time you get pregnant. Just because you made it to the final round and came out with the grand prize, a healthy and living baby, does not mean you have been granted super powers and your next pregnancy will be perfectly fine. I sincerely wish this was the case, as we all do, but we all know quite differently.

All pregnancies are fragile and subject to Russian Roulette. Baby loss mommies know this all too well.

I look at the women who have never had a loss and take their children for granted and I think how lucky they are that the wheel didn't land on them. For those women who are finding out that the wheel doesn't discriminate? We've been there. For those of us who do not yet having a living child, the deeper fear creeps in that we may never know that love.

I miss my children every day, but one thing I know is that I am a better and more sympathetic person because of my losses. This is the gift that my children left me when they took my soul away. I can only hope that for those women who thought they had that cape of invincibility that they become better and more caring people too.

Stupid Comment #8: Baby Loss Only Happens To People Who Do Something Wrong

On a very popular baby and pregnancy site, I pop onto the board from time to time that has women due approximately when I am due. This board is full of baby names, ultrasound results, and questions about symptoms. It is a place where women discuss their hopes and their dreams for their unborn child. It is a place where women compare baby strollers, argue about whether or not to breast feed, and find new friends.

It is also full of women who post that their dreams have just been shattered.

Some women cannot venture into those threads because they cannot bear reliving their past, or they do not wish to think of all of the bad things that can happen. I go into them because I want to add my sympathetic voice to their sorrow.

Typically these women talk about what happened to them, and they get out their feelings. We have all been there. We have all thought "why did this happen to me"? We have all thought "what did I do wrong"? as well as countless other questions that will never be answered.

What I read the other day was the following:

"Only women who do something wrong lose their babies, so why did I lose mine?"

I have read several other posts with this sentiment, the sentiment that these women come from a family where baby loss doesn't happen, and we, the baby loss mommies, are part of families who lose babies all the time, who do horrible things and deserve to lose our children. It is an "us" versus "them" mindset, and suddenly these women are finding out that they are in the "them" category. What angered me even more is the women who were chiming in with their agreement.

I didn't do a damn thing not straight out of the books for any of my three pregnancy losses. I ate right, I slept on the right side. I exercised well, and I took my prenatals religiously. I didn't drink, I didn't have caffeine. I could go on and on. If there was a chance that it would harm my baby, I didn't do it, despite that I know that small amounts of some things are considered perfectly safe. I still lost my three children. I still buried three children. And I don't know all of my readers, but I can pretty much guarantee that all of you did the same as me.

I have a lot of sympathy for any woman who has lost a baby at any stage of pregnancy, or through SIDS, but I will not tolerate women trying to make us feel as if we deserved to lose our children. I will not tolerate women trying to make it seem like there are families who lose babies and ones who just don't deserve to.

At the end of it all, we are all the same. We are all mothers who have lost our children. We are all mothers who would do anything to have our children back. And we all know better. Baby loss happens to women like Russian roulette. Sometimes, for these women who are sitting there thinking that we have done something to deserve this pain, I sit here waiting for that axe to land on them too.

When You Lose a Baby, Your Next Pregnancy Should Get a Free Pass

Losing one pregnancy or baby to SIDS is bad enough. Why must I constantly see my friends, loved ones, and even my husband and I go through multiple losses and heartbreak before they are able to bring a baby home?

I think the universe should give any baby loss mommy a free pass on their next pregnancy, provided that they don't fall into the category of doing something so amazingly stupid which caused them to lose it (since I've seen too many stories of women abusing drugs, deciding that being pregnant is the time to take up contact sports, etc. and being surprised when their baby doesn't make it).

After all, going through another pregnancy is terrifying in and of itself. For me, having lost two early, the first trimester is a huge hurdle. When will I be told that the baby has stopped growing, or the heartbeat is too slow, or I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat. Once that hurdle is gone, then there's the later term loss hurdle to get through. A perfect anatomy scan is wonderful, but my son's was perfect. A stricture in the umbilical cord is impossible to detect except by future growth scans that for a first normal pregnancy no one would get.

Then if you lose again, you feel like your pawn has been knocked off the board game. It's not like the women who are on the Start space, trying to conceive. You're knocked into this "other" realm where you're a child again, watching everyone play a board game and you feel like you don't know the rules and will never be allowed to play, much less to cross the Finish line.

Women who have been through these ups and downs need this free pass. We at least need to know that even though we'll stress through another pregnancy, that things will come out okay. We don't need more stress, and more pain. We need comfort. We need to be able to flash a badge that says "Baby Loss Mommy - Free Pass to a Perfect Rainbow Pregnancy" when things get rough.

If anyone ever finds one of these, let me know. If I ever do, you can bet that I'll be sharing with all of you.

Annoying Question #1: Is This Your First?

**Trigger Below**

My apologies for my absence, I was hit by the shocking news that I am once again pregnant (that seems to be what happens when I go on vacation and drink alcohol). This is time #4 for me, and no living children thus far. I am about to hit 14 weeks, trimester 2, and I should be ecstatic. But any baby loss mommy knows fear, and knows that nothing will ever be for certain. With this pregnancy, I am on Lovenox, and shooting myself in the belly every night at 10 pm. I have never been officially diagnosed with a clotting disorder, it is only suspected in the loss of one or more of my children. All I have to say is well, it seems to be working thus far.

Since I'm getting farther, and disclosed to a few people (and not many), one of the questions I'm getting is "Is this your first?" This is a tricky question to answer for a baby loss mommy.

If you say "no":

Be prepared to open yourself to the onslaught of further questioning from "well-meaning" people. It would be nice if people would just nod and move on, but no, you will get further questions such as "How many do you already have?" or "So where IS junior right now?" or "How old are they?" I have answered with "no", and typically follow it up with "and my first was stillborn". At this point, if they know what's good for them they will say "I'm sorry" and move on. Yet this often leads to other comments like "oh I miscarried a baby too". I can say from experience after having a stillborn son and two missed miscarriages that there isn't a comparison. I didn't love those miscarried babies any less, but it's just...different. Just as it is different for a SIDS mommy versus a stillborn child. What saying "no" does give you, is that feeling that you are acknowledging your lost babies, no matter how old they were inside or outside of the womb when you lost them.

If you say "yes":

Be prepared to open yourself to unwanted and unsolicited advice, and labor horror stories which no one needs to hear, much less a baby loss mommy. You may also feel a pang of guilt for not acknowledging your children. On the other hand, saying "yes" removes you from explaining your losses and history to complete strangers. My husband prefers this method because he is a private person and he doesn't believe that others need to know, and he doesn't like to relive his pain every time someone asks.

Whichever method you choose, be comfortable with your choice and be patient and kind to yourself. It is a tough road that baby loss mommies follow, and we are our own worst enemies to ourselves.

And if someone gets too nosy, no matter which option you chose? Well, there's always the tried and true method of asking them a deeply personal question back such as "So, how's your diet working out for you? Maybe you should try something different?" It at least will get them off of your back, so you can make your escape.

Elephants Truly Are More Intelligent Than Humans

It seems like every day I have to listen to a baby loss mommy tell me that someone has told her to "get over her loss" or asked her "are you still grieving?" with the sympathy of a brick. Why do we live in a culture where people are allowed to mourn Elvis almost 25 years after his death, but we are not allowed even a full year before the world wants us to just "get on with things".

We will never "move on". We will remember forever.

There's another animal who is said to remember forever...elephants. I ran across this quote:

"When a mother elephant loses her baby, they stand in a circle around her and allow her all the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They don't hurry her along, or push her to abandon the body. They stand in a circle and gently touch her with their trunks, a silent show of unwavering support.

Elephant mothers will stand with their babies for weeks, not eating or drinking, just holding them close and letting the reality that they are gone slowly settle in. And they are allowed that time by their family members."

As I sit here and constantly hear talk about how much smarter humans are than our other animal brethren, I have to disagree.

In our society, where getting everything done quickly and with a minimum of effort has become a norm, we've forgotten how to be there for each other in the way that we should be. We send a quick card and then we promptly forget each other's pain. How many of us have had someone give us the look of disbelief when we mention our lost one, no matter how many weeks they were when we lost them. "You're still grieving?"

Yes, yes I am.