This afternoon I found out that I am a three time baby loss mommy. Our little one stopped growing between last week and this week, just like our second, this time after seeing a very healthy heartbeat. After any loss, one of the first questions we ask is, "Why?" We want to search for answers. We demand answers. Sadly, answers are few and far between. Neither Google or Wikipedia seem to have the answers to some burning questions of mine:- Why is my meth using, mother of two that she doesn't take care of, whore of a neighbor about to have her third child? Is she more deserving than the rest of us, or does using meth and watching Jerry Springer help you conceive and keep babies?
- Why do I have to suffer watching all of my neighbors and co-workers get pregnant and get to keep their babies? I hear that having miscarriages and stillbirths are fairly common (after all, I've had two of one and one of the other), so why don't they seem to happen to anyone I know other than me? When's it my turn to keep one?
- Why were my three children taken away from me? Am I being punished? Is this supposed to make me feel stronger? Because I don't feel stronger, I feel broken.
- When's it going to get "better"? Because I am damned sick of people saying to me, "Don't worry, it will get better". I would like to ask when that is? It wasn't with the New Year, or the Chinese New Year. It wasn't with the Spring. The only thing that even felt a little better was that brief wonderful month where I felt hope again.
- When will I learn to smile again? The other day a coworker made a comment to another coworker about how my smile and my angry look were exactly the same. I said it's been a good year since I've known how to smile. Most days, I'm not entirely sure how to. I see it on my face, but real smiles are seen in the eyes.
- Who is that person in the photograph? You know, the picture before I started losing my children. The ones where I looked self-assured and like I was on top of the world. The one who was sure that she would have at least two children who she would spoil and teach and love.
So if anyone happens to stumble across answers to these questions, please let me know. Because right now, I'm floundering, and for a while I'll be learning how to pick myself up off the ground again. It will take time. How much time? Well, maybe Google can answer that one too.
I am so sorry to hear your update. If only Google did have the answer to the question 'why'. I was hoping your story was going to follow mine and I'm so sad that this baby won't be coming home in your arms. I hate that you have to experience, again, this hollow grief. It sucks. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteTisi, I just started following your blog and I can truly appreciate and admire your honesty about your feelings. I wish I had words that could help. Just wanted you to know that when I read this I was pissed off at the world FOR you. I don't understand it either, but my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Tisi. Only just read your post. I lost my son at 31 weeks in July last year, then had a miscarriage in Jan at 11 weeks. That is more than enough. I cannot believe that you have had to go through this again. It is very very unfair. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about Pooka. I wish I had answers for you but I don't. It sucks and it isn't fair. I just want you to know that I am here for you and listening and sending love your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your love and kind words. It is so much appreciated right now. And I am so sorry for all of your losses that make you here and able to appreciate and listen to my words.
ReplyDeleteI hear you... I've lost 3 babies too, one stillborn, one ectopic, and one miscarriage. I look at pictures of myself from 4 years ago (2 months before my son's death at 7 months pregnant) and can't believe that I am the same person. It's even more amazing to me that people still TREAT me like the same person, when I know I'm not, and will never ever be that carefree again. (((hugs)))
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