Surviving Mother's Day as a Baby Loss Mommy

I cannot believe that we are approaching Mother's Day again. I remember last year when for Mother's Day I was pregnant with my rainbow, and I remember miscarrying a week or two after. I remember going to work and hearing everyone tell all of the mother's with living children Happy Mother's Day, while completely ignoring me. I remember crying at my desk and thinking "I am a Mom too."

I remember loving spending time with my mom, but I really remember hating Mother's Day. Luckily, my husband saved it somewhat by gifting me with a beautiful memory bracelet with the birthstones of my three angel children.

This time I am farther along with my rainbow, in fact I will be full term, but the pain is still the same. While I am happy and terrified with a smidgeon of hope for my rainbow, I know I will spend time at the cemetery again, wondering why for some women pregnancy is so easy. Some women just "snap their fingers" and magically get pregnant and have their babies, one after the other, and some of us struggle and deal with pain that these women will never know.

I know all baby loss mommies dread this day like no other. It's important for us to remember to acknowledge our friends and loved ones who have lost babies too. We need to remember for each other and reach out and tell each other Happy Mother's Day, because we all are mothers, some of us are just forgotten ones.

I hope that all of us can celebrate this year or next with our rainbows, and as we hug our rainbows tight, we can still honor our angels who came before. And I really hope that a couple weeks after I will be gifted with a fourth birthstone charm to add to my bracelet, this time one to represent a rainbow.

Celebrate July 4th with a Vengeance!

July 4th last year came just a little under a month after I lost my son. I certainly wasn't in the mood to celebrate, much less to hear all of the kids running around with their parents. I didn't want to be told about the picnic where so-and-so announced they were pregnant. I just wanted to be left alone, and prayed that my house wouldn't burn down from the idiots who were allowed to play with explosives.

This year, I have a different view of things. I've lost two more children, and my grief is still strong. However, I'm starting to realize that until I'm graced with that baby that my husband and I want so badly, I'm going to enjoy every second of rubbing in my non-parenthood to those who just had babies.

With very very loud fireworks.

I'm talking about those window rattlers, the ones that don't make any pretty colors, the ones that set off car alarms. Completely legal, and unabashedly loud. I'm sure you've sat in your house at some point or the other and thought why do people bother with those?

Here's a good reason. Let's celebrate our own lost angel's short lives, and their freedom, wherever they have gone. Let's celebrate our ability to have known these children of ours for as little or as long as we did. Let's celebrate our love for our spouses, who helped us bring those children into our lives. Let's celebrate with a very loud *BANG!* every hour.

And then let's secretly giggle as we watch those parents who have been parading their babies and making insensitive comments go running. It's a small bit of celebratory vengeance. Now I just need to find earmuffs for my dog...