Stupid Situation #6: Talking About Your Loss at Work

Sorry in advance, but this one is going to be a bit long!

I have learned some very important things in the past year. Apparently there have been revisions to the amendment that grants us our freedom of speech, especially in the workplace. Typically employers look the other way at non-work related conversations outside of breaks or lunch (unless you work in the equivalent of a sweat shop). However, what I didn't know is that there are some rules about what is "appropriate non-work related conversations while working" and what is (insert horror movie music here).

A month after I returned to work after losing my son, I was taken into a room by my boss, my boss's boss, and an HR Representative, where I was told that I was making people uncomfortable by talking about my child. I was told that these people felt like they couldn't put pictures of their children in their cubicles. I was told that they felt like they couldn't talk to me about their happy times, like the births of their children.

At the time I burst into tears. Now, the anger rides over me when I think about it. What bereaved mother wants to hear even a portion of that? I know that all of us have our own way of coping, and how long it takes for us to be able to tolerate seeing pregnant women and babies, or to just hear talk about it in general, but I'm pretty certain that none of us wanted that thrust in our face during our first month back to work!

This friendly "well-meaning" HR Representative proceeded to tell me that my company had some "help" options for me, and she handed me a brochure which also included names of day cares and a giant picture of a baby on the front.

I was told to just tell people "I was having a bad day" instead of talking about it. I was told that I could only have these conversations at breaks or lunches and quietly. I argued back that it meant that these other people then had to only talk about their "good times" during breaks and lunches and was told, "That's not what we meant." Sure it is. And I wrote it down, every word they said, if I ever need to use it again, that's after I cried for two straight days.

It's taken me almost a year to cool off from that incident. And here I sit, three weeks after my second miscarriage after my stillbirth and my boss brings it up again that someone complained that me talking about my miscarriage was making them uncomfortable.

I'm not even the teeniest bit sorry. They have a moment of uncomfortableness, and I have a lifetime of it. The other thing that grates on me is the junior high attitude of a grown man or woman going to the HR Department to complain. I wish there were "Whiner" badges to hand out to people. Or to staple to their forehead.

So here is what I've been able to figure out about appropriate conversations

As generated by my current employer, acceptable non-work related conversations during working hours include:

Sports

This includes who won what game, what teams are playing, fantasy football/gambling, how many children are playing for what recreational teams and how many home runs they got and how you are training your three year old to be the next Venus Williams), and how many beers you had while golfing.

Celebrations

This includes marriages, births, birthday party planning for your one year old where you talk in detail about his/her accomplishments, successful doctor appointments for your newborn where you give great detail about his/her growth percentile or that his/her stool has changed for the better, announcements of pregnancies and every week that you have made it through so far, and how little Johnny lost his first tooth.

Food

This includes recipes, restaurants, picnic planning, and how little Johnny is breastfeeding still, and topics about stopping breastfeeding and moving to solid food.

Death

This includes mourning your grandparents, your parents, your siblings, your friends, and your pets.

The list goes on and on. Unacceptable topics include:

Baby Loss

This includes miscarriages, blighted ovums, chemical pregnancies, stillbirths, burials for your child, memorials for your child, or the surgery that you were forced to have when your child died.

And that's it. The list is remarkably shorter, isn't it?

I just hope that none of you have to deal with an employer that fails to try to understand a baby loss mommy's grief, and instead who spends a lot of time making sure that everything is getting done and making you feel bad if you are perhaps working a little slower than normal.

If you do, then my heart is with you, and feel free to rant away.