Stupid Question #2: So Are You Going to Get Tested?

Some people are truly incapable of stopping their conversation with a baby loss mommy at "I'm sorry". Instead, floundering around in a culturally uncomfortable situation, most people must find some way to make it all better. So they resort to questions showing that they care. Since my second loss, one of the most frequently asked questions is "Are you going to get tested?"

What does a baby loss mommy hear? "What's wrong with you?"

First of all, when this question comes from the mouth of a stranger, I want to let them know it's none of their business. After all, I certainly wouldn't take a look at them and say "hey, you're a bit overweight, maybe you should be tested for diabetes!" Culturally we do not interfere with people's health unless we're a very close friend or family member. Even then, it's not always appreciated. We have free will, and if we want to stuff our mouths with Twinkies and drink or not go in for that mammogram, we have that right. So why is it okay for people to ask this question after losing a baby? If we want to go through testing to find out what's going on, that's our decision. Not the decision of strangers.

Second of all, for many cases, there isn't anything wrong. We are at the whim of fate and chance. When my OB let me know that one out of approximately twenty women miscarried twice, I thought wow, that's a lot of women. A large percentage of women go through the stress of additional testing to be told that there is nothing wrong with them, or at least nothing wrong that medical science has been able to determine. Their treatment? Try again. Some women do find that a clotting disorder or progesterone issue has been the cause of their miscarriages, and these can be treated and result in a healthy pregnancy. Again, this is THEIR choice to be tested, however. Not a stranger or a "well-meaning" friend.

Third, this question only chops away at the fragile bit of self-confidence that many of us have or have found. Most of us are already guilt-ridden for the death(s) of our children, no matter if we truly had any part to play. Saying that we need testing, just shows us that if we had done this testing earlier, then we could have saved our children. That we are incompetent and uncaring mothers who didn't care enough to look at these things before we became pregnant or early in pregnancy. It means we failed. I know that all of my readers are of different cultures, religions, and backgrounds, but the one thing I know we all share is that we all would have done anything to save our children, no matter the cost. We do not need that feeling shaken by this idiotic question. We need to remember that we are wonderful mothers.

Yesterday I opted to undergo testing for quite a few common causes of recurrent miscarriage. I gave up sixteen vials of my blood. A large part of me fears that they will find something and that will make me less than perfect. A large part of me fears that they won't find something and that will mean it's completely up to chance. Luckily, it's not in my control. In a couple of weeks I will have some answers, or perhaps nothing more than "try again".

In the meantime, I'd like to tell the "well-meaning" people who want to butt into my life by trying to replace the advice of my doctor, that unless you have a medical degree? Back off. Or I'm going to start asking you some uncomfortable questions about that birthmark on your face. Or about what you eat. Or about your bathroom habits. And you can only imagine how uncomfortable you would be in return.