Stupid Comment #7: You Just Lost a Baby So I Thought I Should Leave You Alone

One of the things I keep hearing when my "friends" and family mysteriously disappear is that since I lost a baby, I obviously want to be left alone.

Uh, what? Why the hell would I want to be left alone?

Losing a baby in and of itself is one of the most isolating experiences a woman can have in her life. After all, it is expected that eventually you will lose your parents, your aunts and uncles, and sadly, maybe your spouse. But the idea of losing a child? No one knows what to do. It just doesn't happen. You spend so much of your day looking at every other woman who is pregnant and noticing that every one is coming back from their doctor appointments with a smile and every one of them is buying new clothes and it seems like every one of them gets to keep their baby. You spend time looking at your empty nursery, or at the pregnancy test that you kept with the double line, or at the first maternity shirt you bought and you fall to your knees and you ask "WHY?"

What I cannot understand is why, through her toughest moment, through her greatest grief, someone would want to leave this woman alone. Or is it that people are so deathly afraid of being infected by the baby loss virus? Or is it something that displays even more selfishness on the commenter, for hidden behind that comment are the words "You're driving me nuts and you're just not yourself". Or perhaps those people are just too busy to lend a helping hand. Who knows someone who is active on Facebook 100 times a day and yet cannot take a second to pick up the phone and call to check on you?

I must admit, I have not found a snappy answer to this comment yet. I am usually struck dumb by people saying this. I usually want to rail against them for not being there to support me. I usually want to tell them that despite the fact that I look like I want to crawl into my cave and curl into a ball, that I appreciate those friends and family members who have reached into that cave and extended their hand. I especially appreciate those who have kept trying, even when I threaten to bite their hand.

The more I speak to women the more I've come to realize that I think it is more common NOT to lose a baby. If that's the case, there are no excuses. We must reach out to each other and let each other know that we have lost a baby, or several. We must tell each other that we will hold each other's hands. And for those of us who have come out on the other side, we must go back to those places and let each other know that there IS another side, and it's full of rainbows.