I set out to tell her what a difference her show made to me in helping me through those first couple of months where I was the most vulnerable. It was by watching this show that I learned it was okay to grieve, and it was okay to feel crazy, but I had to keep going, if for nothing else other than people were depending on me and out of sheer determination and stubbornness.
I worried that I wouldn't be able to form complete sentences because I was starstruck. However, I did tell her, and I told her everything. I expected an "I'm sorry", after all, it's what we all hope to hear. And I did hear that, but it was followed by "I had eight miscarriages before my daughter" and the warmest hug I could have ever received.
Watching her as a person is awe inspiring. She manages to produce a show, to act in it, to run a charity, and to be a mother to her one daughter that she fought so hard to have. Something changed in me that day, something healed. And while I still sit here struggling to get pregnant again and find a way to bring home that child, it is a great feat to sit here and be able to smile again. Because when I had my picture taken with her, it's the first time since losing my son that my smile finally reaches my eyes. And I wish that for all of you.
So maybe this post isn't as much angry at others, but anger with myself. It took a much stronger person than I to show me that I CAN keep going, and most importantly, with a smile on my face.
Wow, 8 miscarriages before a healthy baby. It's terrible, but it gives me hope that I might get to take a baby home one day. I'm glad that you got to meet her and that you got to smile a real smile. It's so rare when it happens, but so nice.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it gives you hope, Dana. It should. I had a picture taken of myself and this actress and I have it looking me in the face every day in my dining room so when I feel down I can remind myself that we truly can persevere. We will get through this. We just need to not give up!
ReplyDeleteYour entire blog is really wonderful! I cannot imagine the strength it takes to survive multiple losses and continue trying. I recently lost my first child to stillbirth, and though my husband and I both want to try again, we're terrified at the thought of losing another baby. Thank you so much for sharing this story - it goes a long way to bringing us a little hope too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much! And I am so very very sorry for your loss (((HUGS))). The only thing we can have is hope, and each other to lean on when the times are terrifying. Thinking very good thoughts and sending lots of sticky baby dust your way when you are ready.
ReplyDeleteAmen!!! I am happy to read this for I just lost my 4 month old son. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy! I am happy to have found your blog! Big hugs!
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