Annoying Question #1: Is This Your First?

**Trigger Below**

My apologies for my absence, I was hit by the shocking news that I am once again pregnant (that seems to be what happens when I go on vacation and drink alcohol). This is time #4 for me, and no living children thus far. I am about to hit 14 weeks, trimester 2, and I should be ecstatic. But any baby loss mommy knows fear, and knows that nothing will ever be for certain. With this pregnancy, I am on Lovenox, and shooting myself in the belly every night at 10 pm. I have never been officially diagnosed with a clotting disorder, it is only suspected in the loss of one or more of my children. All I have to say is well, it seems to be working thus far.

Since I'm getting farther, and disclosed to a few people (and not many), one of the questions I'm getting is "Is this your first?" This is a tricky question to answer for a baby loss mommy.

If you say "no":

Be prepared to open yourself to the onslaught of further questioning from "well-meaning" people. It would be nice if people would just nod and move on, but no, you will get further questions such as "How many do you already have?" or "So where IS junior right now?" or "How old are they?" I have answered with "no", and typically follow it up with "and my first was stillborn". At this point, if they know what's good for them they will say "I'm sorry" and move on. Yet this often leads to other comments like "oh I miscarried a baby too". I can say from experience after having a stillborn son and two missed miscarriages that there isn't a comparison. I didn't love those miscarried babies any less, but it's just...different. Just as it is different for a SIDS mommy versus a stillborn child. What saying "no" does give you, is that feeling that you are acknowledging your lost babies, no matter how old they were inside or outside of the womb when you lost them.

If you say "yes":

Be prepared to open yourself to unwanted and unsolicited advice, and labor horror stories which no one needs to hear, much less a baby loss mommy. You may also feel a pang of guilt for not acknowledging your children. On the other hand, saying "yes" removes you from explaining your losses and history to complete strangers. My husband prefers this method because he is a private person and he doesn't believe that others need to know, and he doesn't like to relive his pain every time someone asks.

Whichever method you choose, be comfortable with your choice and be patient and kind to yourself. It is a tough road that baby loss mommies follow, and we are our own worst enemies to ourselves.

And if someone gets too nosy, no matter which option you chose? Well, there's always the tried and true method of asking them a deeply personal question back such as "So, how's your diet working out for you? Maybe you should try something different?" It at least will get them off of your back, so you can make your escape.