Rainbow Pregnancy Loss Zone

**Triggers**

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks. I've been sticking my head in the ground like an ostrich, hoping that this rainbow pregnancy will speed by. I've even asked people to hit me over the head and knock me out and wake me up in a few months. Sadly, no one has taken me up on it yet.

I'm now in my loss zone, the period of time where everything went wrong with my son. To be honest, I never thought I would even make it this far again. Now that I am here, I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. It hasn't, but when will it?

It's a strange idea that everyone else seems to have no problems with the idea that there will be a rainbow baby here at the end of May/early June. People are buying things, talking about baby showers, asking me how excited I am and for names. I just stare blankly when these conversations happen, almost as if my synapses don't fire. As if I don't recognize that they're talking about me. Two weeks ago I was told to start training my coworker for my leave and I looked at her and said "Where am I going?"

Today I have my repeat ultrasound to check the growth of the baby. For me, it is hurdle one of the scariest two jump hurdle in my life. It is the ultrasound where I will see if it happened again. As I type this, my hands are shaking and I can't stop crying. I know very well that they will check my blood pressure before the appointment and it will be fairly high. I feel like I should be wearing combat gear to go to this appointment. As I drive, I will be listening to 30 Seconds to Mars "This is War". I put on a minimal amount of make-up in case there's a lot of crying to be done.

And sometimes, the worst thing is as I sit there in the waiting room with women who have never lost a baby, they will be looking at me bawling and wondering what is wrong with me. They cannot possibly understand my pain or my fear. Especially as they have brought their mother, father, sister, cousin's cousin and some guy off of the street to see their ultrasound. I, on the other hand, am just going to try to survive and hope I come out intact with baby on the other side.

To those of you who have navigated your loss zone, know that you are very strong women, capable of anything. And for those of you who haven't yet, know that you are not alone, and my love goes with you and I will be holding your hand.