So here I sit at 27w4d pregnant, in uncharted territory. Before I reached this point I felt like I had a map, but it was all wrong. On my map, it listed pain and suffering, and finding out that my baby wasn't growing. It listed things like the heartbeat stops at this point and you find out that the growth is slowing at this point and your weight goes down at the doctor's office at this point.
Except for my map was apparently wrong.
Now my map lies discarded in the corner and I feel like I'm adrift at sea with no compass, no map, and just a ton of people repetitively telling me that of course everything's going to be okay! And I still look at these people like they are telling me that the world is round. Of course it's not, it's flat. I'm just not sure when I'm going to drop off into the abyss on the other side. And that parrot on my shoulder keeps laughing at me the entire time.
I thought that the weight would be gone from my shoulders at this point, and the truth is, I do feel a little lighter, but not much. Just yesterday I ran for the doppler when there was a quiet day.
There are still reminders everywhere. This morning I attempted to go to a Mom2Mom sale, stupidly by my lonesome. It was in the building where I checked out my son's first daycare. I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking, and I did buy a couple of things, but then I came careening out of the building and drove myself straight to the cemetery where I dissolved into tears.
It's not lighter, it's just different. I seem to be better able to see the sun, but it's still not quite shining on me.
In the midst of this, I have "well-meaning" people tell me "Just relax!" as if that will make it all better. I have had to shove my hands in my pockets several times to tell my martial arts self that punching them will only get myself arrested. Sometimes I try to bargain with myself. "But just one punch?" "No." "Fine, but can I just...?" "No."
Well, at least I still have my tongue. I'll just blame it on hormones.