It's very hard to be angry when you know you have finally been blessed with your rainbow baby. But every once in a while there is a little niggling angry thought that pervades my brain, especially when it comes to my friends who have not yet been blessed with that rainbow.
When I was trying to conceive, losing, trying again, losing, trying again, and finally being pregnant for the long haul, things like pictures of babies, pregnant women, and happy families made me run away crying, or have that deep feeling in my stomach that things would never be okay again.
It was even more painful when it came from my rainbow loss mommies.
You would think that I would have been okay with seeing their rainbow's smiling face, but no, no I wasn't. I still didn't have my rainbow. I didn't even have hope. Yet some of them really didn't remember what it felt like to be on the other side of the fence, the side where the grass was so dark brown and rotten that you didn't even know what green grass was anymore. I wondered if I did have my rainbow someday if I would be able to remember fully. Would I remember to not thrust my child in someone's face, not knowing if they had a loss? Would I remember to not post pictures on loss boards? Would I remember to put *TRIGGER* in front of every post that mentioned that I had my rainbow?
I am happy to report that I do remember.
And I remember those who helped me climb this mountain. And I will make sure that every day I remember to turn around, extend my hand, and pull each and every one of these ladies up until they too have their rainbow.
And I will do it by keeping my rainbow in front of me, out of sight, until they are ready.