Friday, June 22, 2012

After Two Years, My Rainbow Baby is Finally Here

**Trigger Post**
On June 2nd, my husband and I welcomed our rainbow baby into the world.  She's a beautiful little girl (we had no idea which we were having), and weighed 7 lb, 1.8 oz and measured 21.8 inches.  She came via Cesarean due to complications after a nice 16 hours of pain med free labor where the cord was wrapped around her neck and certain labor positions were causing decelerations in her heartbeat.  I was put on oxygen.  I was terrified.  I couldn't risk it.  When my doctor mentioned plan B, I said "DO IT."

So here I sit, almost three weeks later, with my little girl in my arms.  Her heart shaped face and delicate features seem a contrast to my own.  I spend hours looking at her and wondering where she came from, trying to associate this little girl with the one that I dopplered every day in my belly, the one I poked with abandon at my NSTs.  I'm confused at where my pregnancy went, and where she came from.  They don't seem to be the same little person.  

Every hour I check her to make sure she's breathing, and I still can't put her down out of my sight in her crib, despite having a monitor.  Every day I wonder when the universe is going to steal her away from me.  It's a whole new set of fears.  And those songs that I sang to her while she was in the womb?  Well I certainly didn't expect that I would be singing them someday to my daughter.

The hardest moment came when I was released from the hospital on June 5, 2012.  This was two years exactly from being released from a different hospital with my arms empty and leaving my stillborn son behind.  This time I was holding a little miracle as I was wheeled to my car.  My daughter's first outing was to the cemetery as we held a balloon release for my son.  It was a day of such absolute joy and such absolute sadness.

Having my rainbow makes me realize what I'm missing not having my son here.  It makes me realize what I will never see him do.  I remember the days after his birth as I thought about him my milk would let down and it was salt in a wound.  Now as I sit here breastfeeding my daughter, I think about what it would have been like to have a toddler running around at the same time.

I can't bring him back, and I can't bring back the two I lost so early, but I can devote all of my love to my daughter.  And I can try to remember that she is a very special girl as she has three angels who will watch over her as she grows.


  1. Congratulations! I am so happy that everything went well with your daughter. I've been having that talk with my husband about a c-section, that at the first indication of a major problem with a vaginal delivery, I'll just tell them get her out alive no matter how it has to happen.

    So bittersweet that you left the hospital exactly two years apart, once with empty arms and once without. What are the odds of that timing. Also bittersweet to see what you missed with your son, but get the pleasure of experiencing with your daughter. It is such a balancing act.

  2. Congratulations, Tisi!! Jessica has been keeping me posted on your sweet rainbow and I am so happy for you! I know well that the fears are still there but she has many angels looking over her and you just have to take it day to day. I am glad that you were able to take baby girl to the cemetery to release balloons for Alistair. Such a bittersweet day and many bittersweet days ahead. Sending love to you.

  3. Only just seen your post. Congratulations xx