So I am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow today and the new question I am asked repeatedly is "Are you excited?" This is a question that most normal pregnant women can answer quickly and without reservation. For me and other baby loss mommies? It's not that simple.
Excited is when you know something is going to happen and you're sure. Excited is when it's only a matter of time until this great thing. Excited is when you can't stop talking about something even when you promise yourself you will keep it to yourself. Excited is when it pours forth from your face and the grin spreads all the way to your toes.
So am I excited? I'm not sure I know how to be. My rainbow is still not here, and as I sit here typing this and my rainbow dragon kicks merrily, I'm still skeptical that I will get to bring him/her home. I keep waiting for that "Go to Jail. Go Direction to Jail" card.
I realized I'm more under that guise of anticipation than excitement. For those of you who play video games, there's an easy way to describe my feelings. It's as if I have spent a long time playing a difficult game, one where I keep thinking I'm going to make it, but the game keeps crashing, or my character keeps getting killed. So here I am, at the final level, where I can almost taste victory, where I know that just maybe I will see those end credits roll. But I can't give in to that excitement because I will lose and have to start all over again.
I wish I could be excited. But I wish I could be a lot of things. I wish I could have enjoyed this pregnancy rather than be terrified at every turn. Pregnancy should be a wonderful experience, full of happiness and joy and wonder. For those of us who have gotten pregnant after our loss, it's an experience of fear, worry, and the feeling that if we become excited we will get yanked back to our senses by our ponytails.
Some days I really feel like chopping that ponytail off.