Stupid Question #1: How are you?

One of the questions that people rapid fire out of their mouths is "How are you?" Sadly, not many people actually mean this question. I'm not talking about your close friends, family, and fellow baby loss mommies who really do want to know how you are. I'm talking about the people who want you to say "Fine, thanks! How are you?" so they can respond with "I'm great, thanks!" This is the culturally appropriate response, something that Americans are all too familiar with, but it is not something that any baby loss mommy is capable of saying...at least not anymore.

I've tried some responses just to see what is the cleanest way to stop the social chatter with some fairly entertaining results. This could be because of my advanced degree in Psychology that I feel the need to experiment. It could be because I honestly want everyone to go away.

The first thing I tried was dodging the question. I would just respond with a "How are you?" The one thing I learned from this is that the people who you least expect are the ones paying attention. Most people would respond with the "Fine, thanks!", but there were those astute individuals who would ask again. These weren't the people who really wanted to know, but the ones who refused to let me not play by the rules. At this point I would respond with "My life sucks, you?"

The second thing I tried was honesty. I would respond with a "I just buried my second child" or some other comment which described how I really DID feel. This met with shock and awe, and not the shock that one should have when receiving that response, but shock that I would even deign to answer in a way that again, was outside of the general rules.

So lately I have taken to responding with "I'm surviving". It's not "I'm fine", because that's a lie, I'm definitely not fine. However, this has not netted me the result that I want. The response I get goes back to the original cultural response. People respond with "Oh? Me too!" At this point I want to say "Oh? Does that mean you just buried two children in six months too? Fantastic!" Instead, I just stomp away.

The truth is, I'm not sure if these people are having a bad day. I'm not sure if they have just lost a parent, a sibling, or even a child. I'm not sure if their boss has been screaming at them all day, or if their finger just fell off unexpectedly while driving. What I do know, is when they say "me too", it means that they really don't care about what I just said.

A better person would say "I'm sorry" or ask what happened. Unfortunately we live in a society where everyone is wrapped up in their own problems, and in a society where we think having too much work to do in our job constitutes a bad day. I know better. A bad day is when you learn that the little life you had growing inside you has been extinguished. A bad day is when you have to bury your child, no matter how old that child is.

I hope the next time I hear someone say "I'm surviving", I have the decency to ask them about it too. I hope I have the decency to show them that yes, someone does care. I also hope I have the decency not to drop kick the people who say "Oh yeah? Me too!" in the head.