Stupid Comment #4: Try to Look on the Positive Side

Sometimes I hear a comment that sets me reeling for so long, I almost forget to post it here. The other day, I was privy to my coworker saying "Try to look on the positive side". For those of us baby loss mommies, we are getting pretty used to comments from "well-meaning" people trying to tell us that things will look up. This comment wasn't from one of those women. This came from a woman who lost her child to SIDS over 20 years ago, and has since then forgotten the pain and suffering that she went through. With the mouthy attitude that this coworker is seen to have, I kept getting pictures of someone saying this to her 20 years ago and wondering if she would have punched the person in the face. I know I wanted to.

So why would someone even say that? Some people argue for the power of positive thinking. It's not that I'm a non-believer, in fact I think positive thinking motivates us to do the things that we want to do. But when you feel lost in the maelstrom of your own emotions, and as Mother's Day is approaching so quickly, the last thing I want to do is engage in positive thinking. What I would like to do is go on a rampage or engage in a little vigilantism. The husband, however, periodically reminds me that if I go to jail, that won't help either of us (though I can't help but wonder if my two children would giggle a little if I had punched someone!)

All of us have positive things that have come of our tragedy, and on the days where we are not crying and aching so badly that we can remember just for a moment, all of us have become mothers, or fathers. I don't argue that all of us would have made wonderful parents before this tragedy happened, but I know when I lost my children, it made me reevaluate the little things that people do with their children, and I know I will be an even better parent because of it. I know that my marriage became closer. Most importantly, my priorities are realigned. Work is no longer a stressful experience. All of these I consider gifts that my children gave me for Mother's Day.

But back to the tirade. None of us think "Oh, you're right!" when confronted with this comment. Instead we think:

Do you mean I should be happy that my baby or babies died?

Do you mean I should be happy that I was wheeled out of the maternity ward not holding a baby?

Do you mean I should be happy for each woman who announces her pregnancy when I wish it was me?

Do you mean I should be happy for the woman whose daughter is just starting to sit up, exactly what my son would have been doing if he was alive today?

The list goes on and on. How can we possibly look at the positive side when we are hurting, and missing our child(ren)? How can we possibly look at the positive side when many of us tell ourselves every morning that we have to go to work, that we have to take care of ourselves, that we must press on?

It has nothing to do with the positive side. All of us know that we have a "new normal", and we must learn what it is and how to deal with it. No amount of happy fuzzy bunny juice is going to teach us there is a positive side to this tragedy. Some day we will learn to live with it.

Until then, just let us be, and if you can't provide any decent support, just get out of my face. Just look on the positive side, until it's legal, your face is safe from my fist.