Stupid Situation #2: Assuming It's All Better Now

Wednesday morning, to my great surprise, a second line came up on my pregnancy test. This is now my third pregnancy, and it will be a long time before I tell anyone anything. This has less to do with the fear of losing the baby, since I've been through that twice, and more to do with dealing with those "well-meaning" people who assume that now that I'm pregnant again, well things are just all better.

I don't think any of us deny the fact that being pregnant helps, if just a little. But it's not a magical pill. It doesn't take the pain or fill the gaping hole that lies in our chests after losing our child(ren). Yet people assume that the real reason we're grieving is the loss of the pregnancy, not the loss of our child.

No matter how far along we were, this was a boy or a girl (or maybe two!) that we came to love and give a name to, even if we were still working out the details. This was a child to us that had the hiccups, that kicked us when we didn't want to be kicked, that asserted its way through nausea and heartburn. This pregnancy wasn't a disease that we got rid of, when we lost our baby, it was our baby boy or our baby girl.

Being pregnant again, feels like a temporary band-aid, something that helps make the nights a little easier, and provides a little bit of hope. But ask someone who has been shot if putting a band-aid over the wound will help staunch the flow of blood. The answer is no. The wound has already been made, and it will never heal. Like with us, it will take years and years before we even start to feel like ourselves again, and even when we do, the hole will still remain. If we're lucky to have children, we will know that there is always one or two missing.

So don't assume that just because I'm pregnant again, it's just all better. A good friend of mine told me the other day, "Goodbye frustration, hello fear". We've all seen what a trapped animal will do when frightened. That's what pregnant women are, after a loss. Trapped animals, and scared to death. They're afraid for the pregnancy, they're guilt ridden in thinking that their angel(s) will hate them for getting pregnant again, they're still mourning the loss of their child(ren).

So how is that better?

It is a ray of sunshine, but the sun isn't shining. So the next time you assume that everything is better, let me just remind you of how much we've lost, and how long that 40 weeks will be. And if you're not willing to listen, or to hold our hands? Then just get the hell out of our way.