No, this isn't my first. I had a stillborn son almost two years ago. But I also suffered two miscarriages. I find when I tell people "No, I had a stillborn son", I am riddled with waves of guilt regarding the two "youngest" children, the ones that only grew to 6 1/2 weeks. The ones that had a heartbeat that stopped three days later.
But the ones I wanted just as much as my stillborn son, and just as much as the one I carry now.
If I say no, I have three angels, then I feel like I minimize the loss of my stillborn son, because automatically people lump him into the "just a miscarriage" category. And while my two miscarriages were painful and hurt me to the core, they are different than when I delivered and held my son and was wheeled out of Labor and Delivery, with empty arms.
Unfortunately I don't have a solution yet. Until then, I will continue to say my first was stillborn. Perhaps I should add, "And I lost two early on afterwards." Will that make it better? Somehow I doubt it.
Until then, I guess I will do what I have been doing, just stick one foot in front of the other, and pray that I will get to bring this rainbow baby dragon home. And I will continue to open my mouth and tell people that yes, I have lost a child. I have lost three children. Perhaps it will help those silently hurting feel less alone.