Friday, April 6, 2012

Annoying Question #1: Is This Your First? (Part Two)

Now that I am fully and visibly showing to just about everyone, this question is asked almost daily. I covered this question and whether or not to respond "yes" or "no", but I find that lately I feel the added complication of stillbirth versus miscarriage.

No, this isn't my first. I had a stillborn son almost two years ago. But I also suffered two miscarriages. I find when I tell people "No, I had a stillborn son", I am riddled with waves of guilt regarding the two "youngest" children, the ones that only grew to 6 1/2 weeks. The ones that had a heartbeat that stopped three days later.

But the ones I wanted just as much as my stillborn son, and just as much as the one I carry now.

If I say no, I have three angels, then I feel like I minimize the loss of my stillborn son, because automatically people lump him into the "just a miscarriage" category. And while my two miscarriages were painful and hurt me to the core, they are different than when I delivered and held my son and was wheeled out of Labor and Delivery, with empty arms.

Unfortunately I don't have a solution yet. Until then, I will continue to say my first was stillborn. Perhaps I should add, "And I lost two early on afterwards." Will that make it better? Somehow I doubt it.

Until then, I guess I will do what I have been doing, just stick one foot in front of the other, and pray that I will get to bring this rainbow baby dragon home. And I will continue to open my mouth and tell people that yes, I have lost a child. I have lost three children. Perhaps it will help those silently hurting feel less alone.


  1. I find that if I refer to Griffin as my son or a child that I lost rather than a baby, people understand better. Maybe I just like to shock them, at least half of them don't ask for further details.

    Many people try to distance themselves from grief and upset by belittling it in some way, eg. 'you were hardly pregnant' or 'your grandfather was ill for a very long time before he passed' It might be self preservation but doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

    Here's to a happy(as possible) and healthy pregnancy.


  2. Sara - Thank you, that is a wonderful idea. Sometimes I think shocking people is the only way to get through without having to wade through the insensitive or "well-meaning" comments after. Thank you so much, and I am so sorry for your little Griffin. xoxo